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I'm curious about a few things about myself. The only way to know yourself is to examine why you do things. So I'm curious about several things about myself.

Could I actually have the ability to absolutely damage my own relationships? The answer is yes. I have hurt several former relationships in my life. Some because, I knew I needed to get away from before I left any real damage behind. Others however, as they were going well, I always found a way to get out. Either I realized I was no longer attracted to them, or I needed something that they were not willing to give.

I don't mean physically, if that's what you were thinking, but I mean emotionally. No, that's not right. I required something from them that they were not able to give. I wanted more than anything else to believe that they could be the one, be able to give me everything I needed...but they can't. They can't give me anything that they didn't have. I required too much of them.

Now that I can see the problem....
I will let someone love me with everything that they have. I will let her give me what she can give, but I not settle for anything less than true love. She must love me with everything she has.

Is that enough? Is the woman I am to be with able to give me enough that I don't get bored? I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but people like me tend to get bored easily, and therefore we move on quickly. I move on quickly. I hate that about myself sometimes, because people who don't stimulate me don't even get a chance. I can figure out if I want to keep listening to someone speak after about a minute, and that's being gracious. I have very little patience with people that have nothing to say, or people that only say negative things. I am quickly attracted to potential dates, but even the most attractive ones never last longer than three months.

It is who I am. That special person that's meant to be in my life will be able to stimulate me and and keep me interested. I realize it's a tall order for any woman. However the woman that can do that, will receive more love and affection than she could handle. Anything she wants, as long as it's not another person in our bed, all she has to do is ask. I pray that I will be able to keep her interested as well. Who wants a boring life? Aren't we meant to live our lives to the fullest? Why can't we have a partner that enriches it so much more instead of just settling. So many couples settle for something they think is safe, I know, I was one of them. However, I look at my brother's marriage and realize that there is a way to get the best marriage possible. They are never dull...ever! They say stuff that is sometimes um...interesting...but they can also make everyone roll with laughter, mostly themselves. They are great to be around. I want a marriage like that, never boring, always interesting. I pray for someone like that.

Yes, I pray for her. I'm going to shut up now.

But this is my blog, who said you had to read it.

What am I saying?

I'll start with a prayer. Lord, please give the words to speak and help me to remember why I started typing in the first place. Amen.

I wanted to discuss the idea of creation. I want to discuss how one possible explanation to life, the universe, and everything is Intelligent Design. Many scientists believe that the more man finds out about how the universe was created, the more we see that God does not and can not exist. Isn't there more to us than matter and energy? Doesn't the simple explanation of "the universe started to create itself through a very slow process of dirt getting stuck together and then getting stuck to more dirt to create a planet eventually" not explain what started the dirt to stick together in the first place?

How about the creation of man? According to Darwinism, we evolved from the ape. Where did the ape come from? The "primordial ooze" that created life on earth by evolving and replicating, does not explain to me how it decided that one day it was going to become an ape. I have seen animals produce the same animals as man produces man, but I have never seen man produce animals. I understand the thought of cross-breeding. Dogs can only breed with other dogs, and cats breed with other cats, but I have never seen a dog mate with a cat and produce offspring. So how did the ooze break off from itself and change into an ape? Bacteria can only produce bacteria. How can you tell me there is no God, when you can't tell me how the ooze decided it was going to become an ape? Wouldn't the ooze need intelligence to decide that? Who or what gave the ooze that intelligence?

It is obvious that nothing simply has intelligence to make a decision right from the start. The ability to make decisions is learned. There are instincts, but even those are learned. For example, the instinct of hunting. What taught us that we need to kill for our food? The instinct to hunt comes from our body saying it is hungry, but you cant tell me that we instantly knew how to catch and kill prey. We learned over time through the intelligence given to us by our Creator to make traps, and form sharp sticks to kill our prey so that we may eat. Who or what gave humans the intelligence to adapt? Stick a newborn baby into a forest and it will die. It lacks the ability and intelligence to help itself. However, if you stick a matured human who was given the intelligence to adapt, yet has absolutely no survival training into the forest, he will somehow find a way to gather food, build a shelter, and survive in the new habitat. The intelligence to adapt was given to us by God. He taught us how to hunt and provide for our needs.

So again I ask, what made the ooze decide that it could become an ape? It didn't. We don't come from ooze or apes. Every creature on this earth was made with an intelligent design behind it. Everything was created by God with a certain image in mind. Humans just got lucky enough to be given the image of God. I strongly believe that God created man by simply taking dirt into his hands, molding it into a human and breathing life into it. If you look at what we're made of, like carbon, you will find everything of our composition in the dirt. God designed our body to do everything it does today with a purpose. As scientists can explain the how we are made, no one but God can explain the why. Science does not get rid of God, science only proves further that God exists.

Patience and long-suffering

Why are they one in the same, or at least feel that way. I see the many choices that I could make, and while I pray for guidance, I do not see the choice I'm supposed to make. One choice in particular, there was a very special girl in my life about a year ago. The issues were that she was not a christian, there was another issue, but you dont' need to know. Her spirit was amazing and bright. But i digress, if I can not share my faith with a woman, the woman in my life, than what can I share with her?

God and Christ are too important to me to not be able to share that. Why can't God please have mercy and send me that one woman who is everything to me and I will be to her. I know God knows my heart and its wickedness, I know he understands what I would do if I got her. I have no patience and I've been praying for it for so long I'm starting to get impatient. God please make the choice to send me that special person. Bless me Lord, for only you can. All my choices lead to wickedness. Find me someone that makes me want to be better.

I'm going to be an uncle!

I cant believe my brother is actually going to have a baby. My brother and his wife swore they would never have a kid. My brother also said he would never get married. Yet here he is, married and now a baby on the way. Our whole family is getting excited over the new addition to be. I don't know much about kids, but I really hope my bro and sis let me watch him/her. Granted, after the first night I might not be able to wait to give her back, but I won't know till I try. I'm glad he's having a child. It takes the load off me as the only progenitor of the family name.

Just go away.

I got a message on facebook from someone that I wish never to hear from again. If you've been reading this blog then you know who it is. Yesterday I wrote about how I was finally over the whole situation. I was glad to be rid of it. Then today I receive that stupid message, and its like I was fighting to keep my world in check for a split second. Its sounds stupid, but it was true.

There is a better story however. It was only a split second, but it made me sad that it even effected me that much. I immediately deleted the message, and blocked her and our "mutual friend." She is obviously still a problem for me, but I will never give her the chance to let her affect me again! NEVER AGAIN!

You want to know about the people who aren't worth keeping in your life, its definitely the ones who are abusive in any way. I do not understand why we put ourselves into abusive relationships, physical or verbal. Mine was very verbal, and I needed to get out. I did, and now she needs to realize that I want nothing to do with her. I don't care for her apologies, they're empty anyway. Just as she is.

Now I ask for prayer, to get rid of any other effect she may have on me. I pray that today truly is the last day that I will ever hear from her. I pray that God watches over me and protects me from her. I pray that she is ok and that she has a good life, but just keep her clear of mine.

So what now?

I swear it, the wondering of someone likes you the way that you like them is one of the most frustrating things in the world! The most frustrating thing about it is, I'm the kind of person that gets affirmation from the way someone reacts to me. If they react favorably, I know that they like me, if it feels more like a brush off, I move on. I make a new friend, but I don't think about her again.

This last one though, I'm being stretched at two ends. She acknowledges my presence when I enter a room, but its tough to speak to her. I say something that makes her laugh, but I cant get her to continue laughing. I want to know whats on this woman's mind, but I have know clue. I wish I could read her mind, but then the excitement of asking her, if I ever could, would be gone. I want to know this woman, but for the first time in a long time, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm staring into a future that is...

Seriously, what word could possibly finish that? Unknown? Unclear? Hopeful? Impossible? Yes, shes given me a lot of hope even though she doesn't know it yet. She may never know it. However, she makes me want to be a better man. A truly better man. She makes me want to increase my character tenfold, hundredfold, thousandfold. I want to be better for her. I see her smile, and I see her eyes right when a decision about my character needs to be made.

Maybe God placed her here as a guide, but I think I would like it more if I could have an equal connection with her. If I knew that she wanted to get to know me too.

I need to sleep

I'm sitting here in my bed at 2 a.m. because for the first time in a long time, I can't get the image of a woman out of my head. Everything, including today, started so simple. The feelings I have now probably will pass, but something different has happened today.

So let me start from the short beginning. There is a girl I know that, well I cant really say I know because I've only known her for a few weeks. She's very nice, has plenty of friends, probably more than she knows what to do with, a quite beautiful. She not beautiful in the "wow, she looks like a model way", shes beautiful because shes a light in the room. Strong christian faith, and if you ever knew about my girlfriends from the past, you'd be surprised that I actually like one. Even though she does acknowledge my existence, shes probably unaware that I like her at all.

The only reason I'm even thinking of this girl enough that I can't sleep, is because for the first time, I noticed something about myself from this girl. All I did was shake her hand as I was leaving our gathering, but I actually noticed what her hand felt like in mine. She was just like every other girl I met until then. I have never noticed the feel of someones hand in mine before, I mean why would I? What would it matter? This one however felt so soft, like I told a friend of mine, "Her hand felt like the warm silk on my bedsheets when I wake up in the morning.

Anyway, it's probably some boy crush that will disappear in a day or two, but the question is, do I want it to? I have prayed for God to let me know the girl I'm supposed to be with by letting her image keep me up for a night. I just never expected that night to be one when I have a presentation due the next morning. I must let nature take its course and nothing will probably come of this night, but its an awesome feeling to have.

Although I would really like to explore this and see where it goes...the only question then would be, can she feel the same way about me?