So what now?

I swear it, the wondering of someone likes you the way that you like them is one of the most frustrating things in the world! The most frustrating thing about it is, I'm the kind of person that gets affirmation from the way someone reacts to me. If they react favorably, I know that they like me, if it feels more like a brush off, I move on. I make a new friend, but I don't think about her again.

This last one though, I'm being stretched at two ends. She acknowledges my presence when I enter a room, but its tough to speak to her. I say something that makes her laugh, but I cant get her to continue laughing. I want to know whats on this woman's mind, but I have know clue. I wish I could read her mind, but then the excitement of asking her, if I ever could, would be gone. I want to know this woman, but for the first time in a long time, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm staring into a future that is...

Seriously, what word could possibly finish that? Unknown? Unclear? Hopeful? Impossible? Yes, shes given me a lot of hope even though she doesn't know it yet. She may never know it. However, she makes me want to be a better man. A truly better man. She makes me want to increase my character tenfold, hundredfold, thousandfold. I want to be better for her. I see her smile, and I see her eyes right when a decision about my character needs to be made.

Maybe God placed her here as a guide, but I think I would like it more if I could have an equal connection with her. If I knew that she wanted to get to know me too.

I need to sleep

I'm sitting here in my bed at 2 a.m. because for the first time in a long time, I can't get the image of a woman out of my head. Everything, including today, started so simple. The feelings I have now probably will pass, but something different has happened today.

So let me start from the short beginning. There is a girl I know that, well I cant really say I know because I've only known her for a few weeks. She's very nice, has plenty of friends, probably more than she knows what to do with, a quite beautiful. She not beautiful in the "wow, she looks like a model way", shes beautiful because shes a light in the room. Strong christian faith, and if you ever knew about my girlfriends from the past, you'd be surprised that I actually like one. Even though she does acknowledge my existence, shes probably unaware that I like her at all.

The only reason I'm even thinking of this girl enough that I can't sleep, is because for the first time, I noticed something about myself from this girl. All I did was shake her hand as I was leaving our gathering, but I actually noticed what her hand felt like in mine. She was just like every other girl I met until then. I have never noticed the feel of someones hand in mine before, I mean why would I? What would it matter? This one however felt so soft, like I told a friend of mine, "Her hand felt like the warm silk on my bedsheets when I wake up in the morning.

Anyway, it's probably some boy crush that will disappear in a day or two, but the question is, do I want it to? I have prayed for God to let me know the girl I'm supposed to be with by letting her image keep me up for a night. I just never expected that night to be one when I have a presentation due the next morning. I must let nature take its course and nothing will probably come of this night, but its an awesome feeling to have.

Although I would really like to explore this and see where it goes...the only question then would be, can she feel the same way about me?

Time does heal wounds

I'm not sure if I can really say "all" wounds, but I can tell you that I realized something on Easter Sunday. If you haven't read any of my earlier blogs, I am divorced. I got married on April 12, 2003 and then was divorced on June 13, 2005. June 13 is also 4 days before my birthday. In other words I got divorced on a Monday, and I turned 23 on that Friday. The kicker was that my ex called me on my birthday to wish me a "happy" one, yeah right.

So back to my previous thought I made it nearly the entire day Sunday when I was talking to one of my friends, and I saw a calender. I wondered why the day sounded familiar, but couldn't pinpoint it. Then like a flash of lightning, BAM! I realized I've gone the entire day without once thinking about her. My friend seemed sympathetic, and all I could do was laugh. As she looked a little worried about my outburst, I told her that was long ago. "I would have been married 6 years, and I have been happier these last 4 years without her, than the 2 years that I was with her." It just through me off and excited me that I didn't dread April 12 coming. I usually got depressed that day. I looked back over these last 4 years, and I was excited that I didn't care about April 12. This year however all I could think about the new things I've done, and the friends I have made since then.

I loved Easter this year.

Just to get it out.

Okay, so I have been reading the Twilight Saga. I'll probably finish the last two books in the next week, and it has seriously started to form a new world in my head. I just really think it would be cool. Unfortunately, It's taken a really bizarre turn. I have begun to search the internet, and I've found everything from quizzes that tell you if you really are a vampire, to what your vampire name might be. I took the quiz, and it turns out I'm a natural born vampire. I really had to laugh out loud on that one. It does explain my fascination, and the fact that theres no bite marks on me. To put it simply, my "research" has made me a little nuts, to the point I've even dreamt about what would happen, so much so I have a friend of mine asking me to write it out for health reasons. I think she's just curious to know how twisted my head can get.

So in conclusion, I promise I have no desire for the taste of human blood, I wear a cross necklace right on my skin, and you've all seen me in the sunlight, but it doesn't mean it's not an interesting thought.

Random Things

First of all, let me say that I'm going to miss the blog. I'll try to keep it going, but it doesn't have the same urgency. It was nice to vent and know that someone was going to read it. I feel that it brought our class together somehow.

Second, I really hated this last paper. I'm not sure if it was pure laziness that I never got my second draft done, or I couldn't listen to a conversation I'd already heard. Maybe it was both. All I know is, I'll be happy if I don't do another literary journal for awhile.

Third, I really want the bonfire to happen. I think it would be great if we got together to let off steam when this class is over. Maybe we can print out copies of the papers we didn't like and burn them for release. I might be kidding, I might not be. You know, whatever.

Fourth, what is up with my fascination for vampires? I swear that if there was a vampire invasion I'm killing one of them and then putting their teeth into my skin. I know it sounds disturbed I always thought it would be cool to be a vampire. Their women are sexy.

Fifth, for that matter, what about zombie infestations? I'm going to do everything not to join them. I get tired walking as it is. I don't want to walk forever. I have swords and guns prepared for that day.

Sixth, why is it hard to get your dream job? I want to work in the film industry here, and it's like we have these huge lulls. I have my film degree, now let me get the money! I'm here Hollywood, I'm ready to help make these films!

Seventh, what makes a television show memorable? Is it writing, or acting, or a little bit of both? I've always wondered what makes people gravitate toward different shows? What makes them save an hour out of their life each week, just to find out what's going on in someone else's?

Eighth, how does hypnosis work? Why does it only work on certain people? What triggers a person to start clucking like a chicken, stop smoking, or remove all inhibition? I'm afraid that I will never have that ability because power corrupts.

Ninth, what is the meaning of life? The best that I have come up with so far, is that we are meant to experience as much as we can before we pass away. I'm not saying we should be self-destructive, but we should use our experiences to find out the things that we would enjoy. Our forefathers had it right. We are meant to have "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Tenth, I think this was one of my favorite classes. I have learned more about my classmates this semester than I have in any other class. I really enjoyed getting to know you and learning what make you tick. I hope to see you all again sometime!