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I'm curious about a few things about myself. The only way to know yourself is to examine why you do things. So I'm curious about several things about myself.

Could I actually have the ability to absolutely damage my own relationships? The answer is yes. I have hurt several former relationships in my life. Some because, I knew I needed to get away from before I left any real damage behind. Others however, as they were going well, I always found a way to get out. Either I realized I was no longer attracted to them, or I needed something that they were not willing to give.

I don't mean physically, if that's what you were thinking, but I mean emotionally. No, that's not right. I required something from them that they were not able to give. I wanted more than anything else to believe that they could be the one, be able to give me everything I needed...but they can't. They can't give me anything that they didn't have. I required too much of them.

Now that I can see the problem....
I will let someone love me with everything that they have. I will let her give me what she can give, but I not settle for anything less than true love. She must love me with everything she has.

Is that enough? Is the woman I am to be with able to give me enough that I don't get bored? I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but people like me tend to get bored easily, and therefore we move on quickly. I move on quickly. I hate that about myself sometimes, because people who don't stimulate me don't even get a chance. I can figure out if I want to keep listening to someone speak after about a minute, and that's being gracious. I have very little patience with people that have nothing to say, or people that only say negative things. I am quickly attracted to potential dates, but even the most attractive ones never last longer than three months.

It is who I am. That special person that's meant to be in my life will be able to stimulate me and and keep me interested. I realize it's a tall order for any woman. However the woman that can do that, will receive more love and affection than she could handle. Anything she wants, as long as it's not another person in our bed, all she has to do is ask. I pray that I will be able to keep her interested as well. Who wants a boring life? Aren't we meant to live our lives to the fullest? Why can't we have a partner that enriches it so much more instead of just settling. So many couples settle for something they think is safe, I know, I was one of them. However, I look at my brother's marriage and realize that there is a way to get the best marriage possible. They are never dull...ever! They say stuff that is sometimes um...interesting...but they can also make everyone roll with laughter, mostly themselves. They are great to be around. I want a marriage like that, never boring, always interesting. I pray for someone like that.

Yes, I pray for her. I'm going to shut up now.

But this is my blog, who said you had to read it.

What am I saying?

I'll start with a prayer. Lord, please give the words to speak and help me to remember why I started typing in the first place. Amen.

I wanted to discuss the idea of creation. I want to discuss how one possible explanation to life, the universe, and everything is Intelligent Design. Many scientists believe that the more man finds out about how the universe was created, the more we see that God does not and can not exist. Isn't there more to us than matter and energy? Doesn't the simple explanation of "the universe started to create itself through a very slow process of dirt getting stuck together and then getting stuck to more dirt to create a planet eventually" not explain what started the dirt to stick together in the first place?

How about the creation of man? According to Darwinism, we evolved from the ape. Where did the ape come from? The "primordial ooze" that created life on earth by evolving and replicating, does not explain to me how it decided that one day it was going to become an ape. I have seen animals produce the same animals as man produces man, but I have never seen man produce animals. I understand the thought of cross-breeding. Dogs can only breed with other dogs, and cats breed with other cats, but I have never seen a dog mate with a cat and produce offspring. So how did the ooze break off from itself and change into an ape? Bacteria can only produce bacteria. How can you tell me there is no God, when you can't tell me how the ooze decided it was going to become an ape? Wouldn't the ooze need intelligence to decide that? Who or what gave the ooze that intelligence?

It is obvious that nothing simply has intelligence to make a decision right from the start. The ability to make decisions is learned. There are instincts, but even those are learned. For example, the instinct of hunting. What taught us that we need to kill for our food? The instinct to hunt comes from our body saying it is hungry, but you cant tell me that we instantly knew how to catch and kill prey. We learned over time through the intelligence given to us by our Creator to make traps, and form sharp sticks to kill our prey so that we may eat. Who or what gave humans the intelligence to adapt? Stick a newborn baby into a forest and it will die. It lacks the ability and intelligence to help itself. However, if you stick a matured human who was given the intelligence to adapt, yet has absolutely no survival training into the forest, he will somehow find a way to gather food, build a shelter, and survive in the new habitat. The intelligence to adapt was given to us by God. He taught us how to hunt and provide for our needs.

So again I ask, what made the ooze decide that it could become an ape? It didn't. We don't come from ooze or apes. Every creature on this earth was made with an intelligent design behind it. Everything was created by God with a certain image in mind. Humans just got lucky enough to be given the image of God. I strongly believe that God created man by simply taking dirt into his hands, molding it into a human and breathing life into it. If you look at what we're made of, like carbon, you will find everything of our composition in the dirt. God designed our body to do everything it does today with a purpose. As scientists can explain the how we are made, no one but God can explain the why. Science does not get rid of God, science only proves further that God exists.

Patience and long-suffering

Why are they one in the same, or at least feel that way. I see the many choices that I could make, and while I pray for guidance, I do not see the choice I'm supposed to make. One choice in particular, there was a very special girl in my life about a year ago. The issues were that she was not a christian, there was another issue, but you dont' need to know. Her spirit was amazing and bright. But i digress, if I can not share my faith with a woman, the woman in my life, than what can I share with her?

God and Christ are too important to me to not be able to share that. Why can't God please have mercy and send me that one woman who is everything to me and I will be to her. I know God knows my heart and its wickedness, I know he understands what I would do if I got her. I have no patience and I've been praying for it for so long I'm starting to get impatient. God please make the choice to send me that special person. Bless me Lord, for only you can. All my choices lead to wickedness. Find me someone that makes me want to be better.

I'm going to be an uncle!

I cant believe my brother is actually going to have a baby. My brother and his wife swore they would never have a kid. My brother also said he would never get married. Yet here he is, married and now a baby on the way. Our whole family is getting excited over the new addition to be. I don't know much about kids, but I really hope my bro and sis let me watch him/her. Granted, after the first night I might not be able to wait to give her back, but I won't know till I try. I'm glad he's having a child. It takes the load off me as the only progenitor of the family name.

Just go away.

I got a message on facebook from someone that I wish never to hear from again. If you've been reading this blog then you know who it is. Yesterday I wrote about how I was finally over the whole situation. I was glad to be rid of it. Then today I receive that stupid message, and its like I was fighting to keep my world in check for a split second. Its sounds stupid, but it was true.

There is a better story however. It was only a split second, but it made me sad that it even effected me that much. I immediately deleted the message, and blocked her and our "mutual friend." She is obviously still a problem for me, but I will never give her the chance to let her affect me again! NEVER AGAIN!

You want to know about the people who aren't worth keeping in your life, its definitely the ones who are abusive in any way. I do not understand why we put ourselves into abusive relationships, physical or verbal. Mine was very verbal, and I needed to get out. I did, and now she needs to realize that I want nothing to do with her. I don't care for her apologies, they're empty anyway. Just as she is.

Now I ask for prayer, to get rid of any other effect she may have on me. I pray that today truly is the last day that I will ever hear from her. I pray that God watches over me and protects me from her. I pray that she is ok and that she has a good life, but just keep her clear of mine.

So what now?

I swear it, the wondering of someone likes you the way that you like them is one of the most frustrating things in the world! The most frustrating thing about it is, I'm the kind of person that gets affirmation from the way someone reacts to me. If they react favorably, I know that they like me, if it feels more like a brush off, I move on. I make a new friend, but I don't think about her again.

This last one though, I'm being stretched at two ends. She acknowledges my presence when I enter a room, but its tough to speak to her. I say something that makes her laugh, but I cant get her to continue laughing. I want to know whats on this woman's mind, but I have know clue. I wish I could read her mind, but then the excitement of asking her, if I ever could, would be gone. I want to know this woman, but for the first time in a long time, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm staring into a future that is...

Seriously, what word could possibly finish that? Unknown? Unclear? Hopeful? Impossible? Yes, shes given me a lot of hope even though she doesn't know it yet. She may never know it. However, she makes me want to be a better man. A truly better man. She makes me want to increase my character tenfold, hundredfold, thousandfold. I want to be better for her. I see her smile, and I see her eyes right when a decision about my character needs to be made.

Maybe God placed her here as a guide, but I think I would like it more if I could have an equal connection with her. If I knew that she wanted to get to know me too.

I need to sleep

I'm sitting here in my bed at 2 a.m. because for the first time in a long time, I can't get the image of a woman out of my head. Everything, including today, started so simple. The feelings I have now probably will pass, but something different has happened today.

So let me start from the short beginning. There is a girl I know that, well I cant really say I know because I've only known her for a few weeks. She's very nice, has plenty of friends, probably more than she knows what to do with, a quite beautiful. She not beautiful in the "wow, she looks like a model way", shes beautiful because shes a light in the room. Strong christian faith, and if you ever knew about my girlfriends from the past, you'd be surprised that I actually like one. Even though she does acknowledge my existence, shes probably unaware that I like her at all.

The only reason I'm even thinking of this girl enough that I can't sleep, is because for the first time, I noticed something about myself from this girl. All I did was shake her hand as I was leaving our gathering, but I actually noticed what her hand felt like in mine. She was just like every other girl I met until then. I have never noticed the feel of someones hand in mine before, I mean why would I? What would it matter? This one however felt so soft, like I told a friend of mine, "Her hand felt like the warm silk on my bedsheets when I wake up in the morning.

Anyway, it's probably some boy crush that will disappear in a day or two, but the question is, do I want it to? I have prayed for God to let me know the girl I'm supposed to be with by letting her image keep me up for a night. I just never expected that night to be one when I have a presentation due the next morning. I must let nature take its course and nothing will probably come of this night, but its an awesome feeling to have.

Although I would really like to explore this and see where it goes...the only question then would be, can she feel the same way about me?

Time does heal wounds

I'm not sure if I can really say "all" wounds, but I can tell you that I realized something on Easter Sunday. If you haven't read any of my earlier blogs, I am divorced. I got married on April 12, 2003 and then was divorced on June 13, 2005. June 13 is also 4 days before my birthday. In other words I got divorced on a Monday, and I turned 23 on that Friday. The kicker was that my ex called me on my birthday to wish me a "happy" one, yeah right.

So back to my previous thought I made it nearly the entire day Sunday when I was talking to one of my friends, and I saw a calender. I wondered why the day sounded familiar, but couldn't pinpoint it. Then like a flash of lightning, BAM! I realized I've gone the entire day without once thinking about her. My friend seemed sympathetic, and all I could do was laugh. As she looked a little worried about my outburst, I told her that was long ago. "I would have been married 6 years, and I have been happier these last 4 years without her, than the 2 years that I was with her." It just through me off and excited me that I didn't dread April 12 coming. I usually got depressed that day. I looked back over these last 4 years, and I was excited that I didn't care about April 12. This year however all I could think about the new things I've done, and the friends I have made since then.

I loved Easter this year.

Just to get it out.

Okay, so I have been reading the Twilight Saga. I'll probably finish the last two books in the next week, and it has seriously started to form a new world in my head. I just really think it would be cool. Unfortunately, It's taken a really bizarre turn. I have begun to search the internet, and I've found everything from quizzes that tell you if you really are a vampire, to what your vampire name might be. I took the quiz, and it turns out I'm a natural born vampire. I really had to laugh out loud on that one. It does explain my fascination, and the fact that theres no bite marks on me. To put it simply, my "research" has made me a little nuts, to the point I've even dreamt about what would happen, so much so I have a friend of mine asking me to write it out for health reasons. I think she's just curious to know how twisted my head can get.

So in conclusion, I promise I have no desire for the taste of human blood, I wear a cross necklace right on my skin, and you've all seen me in the sunlight, but it doesn't mean it's not an interesting thought.

Random Things

First of all, let me say that I'm going to miss the blog. I'll try to keep it going, but it doesn't have the same urgency. It was nice to vent and know that someone was going to read it. I feel that it brought our class together somehow.

Second, I really hated this last paper. I'm not sure if it was pure laziness that I never got my second draft done, or I couldn't listen to a conversation I'd already heard. Maybe it was both. All I know is, I'll be happy if I don't do another literary journal for awhile.

Third, I really want the bonfire to happen. I think it would be great if we got together to let off steam when this class is over. Maybe we can print out copies of the papers we didn't like and burn them for release. I might be kidding, I might not be. You know, whatever.

Fourth, what is up with my fascination for vampires? I swear that if there was a vampire invasion I'm killing one of them and then putting their teeth into my skin. I know it sounds disturbed I always thought it would be cool to be a vampire. Their women are sexy.

Fifth, for that matter, what about zombie infestations? I'm going to do everything not to join them. I get tired walking as it is. I don't want to walk forever. I have swords and guns prepared for that day.

Sixth, why is it hard to get your dream job? I want to work in the film industry here, and it's like we have these huge lulls. I have my film degree, now let me get the money! I'm here Hollywood, I'm ready to help make these films!

Seventh, what makes a television show memorable? Is it writing, or acting, or a little bit of both? I've always wondered what makes people gravitate toward different shows? What makes them save an hour out of their life each week, just to find out what's going on in someone else's?

Eighth, how does hypnosis work? Why does it only work on certain people? What triggers a person to start clucking like a chicken, stop smoking, or remove all inhibition? I'm afraid that I will never have that ability because power corrupts.

Ninth, what is the meaning of life? The best that I have come up with so far, is that we are meant to experience as much as we can before we pass away. I'm not saying we should be self-destructive, but we should use our experiences to find out the things that we would enjoy. Our forefathers had it right. We are meant to have "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Tenth, I think this was one of my favorite classes. I have learned more about my classmates this semester than I have in any other class. I really enjoyed getting to know you and learning what make you tick. I hope to see you all again sometime!

What happened this week?

It was like Monday, I could not get to school fast enough, but by wednesday I could barely make it to class. It's like an oppressive cloud covered me that I just didnt make it to class on Thursday or Friday. I did not want to go to sleep those nights, nor did I wish to get out of bed. Even now its 2 a.m. and I just do not want to sleep.

I didn't get some classwork done because my body or mind just could not sit down and do it. I put it off because my body did not even have the energy to push the buttons to type. I'll pay for it with my grades I know. That is my monkey.

I don't know what happened to me this week but I really wish it would go away.

Time to move on

I'm sitting here at 4:00 am because once again I cannot, or will not, go to sleep. I am sitting here watching The Shawshank Redemption, and it got me thinking about my life. That movie usually does. "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." Honestly that is one of the greatest lines given in a film.

I don't want to talk about the film right now; I want to talk about life, my life. I am a 26 year old divorce', who's living quite well off of the grace of his parents, thanks to their lovely food and home. I realize that what I am about to say sounds like the drunken ramblings of a hopeless man, but I promise you, I am filled with hope. I am at the point now, when I realize a few things about being a man. I am beginning to realize responsibility. I have prayed to God lately to please, make me step up, and take charge of the things that need to be done. God has recently given me several opportunities, which I have succeeded and failed. I missed the full day of school Tuesday before the break, because my body would not get out of bed. I now have a science project that I know nothing about due soon after. I have taken steps to correct some bad grades though. I made an A on the second statistics test, due to long hours of study. That drained me for the rest of the week. I have done a little more to help around the house, although not as much as I could.

I heard a man say on TV today, "Becoming a man is harder than you think it should, and longer than you think it should; but when you reach that point when others matter more than yourself, you've made a good start." I did paraphrase a bit, but I believe the message is still true. My life has always been better than most. It's had its downtime though. My wife left me at 22. I didn't make her cheat, but I've had a long time to reflect and see if there was anything different I could have done. I could have done the yard more often, helped with the dishes more often, or maybe learned how to cook once. I may not have been a perfect husband, but I still believe I was good. For that reason I have no doubt that I will be a good husband to another woman, a better woman. My ex-wife gave me several gifts during our time together, but the one I treasure most is a brass pocket watch. The kind you wind up to make it work. It was the last gift I remember her giving me. It might as well be made of gold, because it looks just as shiny. It's really brass plated, and starting to wear down to the metal, but the watch itself is still in perfect order. The thing is, that watch reminds me of my life. If it's not kept wound, it dies and becomes nothing but a paperweight. When someone comes along and helps wind the clock a bit, it springs to life, ready to move, and do what it does best.

Several people of late has wound my clock a bit. My parents for their love and support of my schooling. My brother and his wife to help me have some fun. My new friend Luke, who reminds me of my friendship style, willing to adjust, to spend some time with good company. My friend Chris for playing Rock Band, and his wife Laura for giving me a second job. My friend Meg who I talk with to let off steam. Finally, my classmates of English 226, who read my blog and leave such endearing comments. I continue to write because I can let go of issues that are on my mind, and they are usually well received by you. I hope I mean as much to you, as you do to me.

Now to end this I will simply say that everything I just wrote, I don't feel I can truly sum up, but I really don't care either. I don't think I've done enough to sum it up. I will simply end by saying to all my friends and family...

I Love You.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Yes, just like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I find myself needing to escape. I know we all do it. I find that special place that allows me to get away from everything and ease my mood. My sanctuary is the movie theater, Cinemark or Boardwalk. I go to them whenever I have a bad day. The therapy from films are cheaper than a shrink.

The films that have happy endings are obviously my favorite. I recently saw The Watchmen, and it was a great film. Don't worry, I'm not going to ruin it. It was a heck of a day, and I called my friend Luke to ask if he wanted to see a film. As I sat there waiting for the film to start, I remember feeling the rush of not knowing where the story is going. The most exciting part of film, is living the adventure with the characters.

My favorite movies include My Fair Lady, Pretty Woman, Cars, A Few Good Men, Men of Honor, Galaxy Quest, Enchanted, and many more. I run the gambit of films to find the good and bad. I see most films by word of mouth. My friends will tell me their favorite films, and I'll rent them. Many of the films I've seen have been good, but others are awful.

I saw a film called Feast from a friends recommendation, and it was B-A-D! Not Killer Clowns from Outer Space bad, but "I want those 2 hours back," bad. I hate it when I see a film, and I wasted my day with it. I enjoy crap-tastic movies, but I don't want to feel worse for seeing a film.

I know I'll see many more crummy movies, but when I see a gem, I get excited.

Is it strange...?

I have been reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for the second time, because the movie will be out this summer, and, when I read it, one thing has remained the same. I'm in love with Ginny Weasley. I know its not natural by any sense, but, she has all of the attributes that I would find appealing if I had to choose the woman of my dreams.

First off, she is a little headstrong. Call me crazy, but I like a woman with her own ideas. If she can think for herself and bears a resemblance of intelligence, that usually catches my fancy. I'm tired of the model woman that go around on looks alone and when they speak; you feel like you'd rather drill a hole in your head. There's nothing to these people. Ginny, on the other hand, knows what she wants, and can say it, but is a bit shy going after it. I find that behavior kind of cute, but I'd rather she just go for it.

Next, Ginny is a nurturer. She will help out with any crisis. If family needs help, she helps out. If someones sick, she's there with medicine. She really isn't selfish enough to let it be about her. I like that fairer, delicate aspect about her. I wish I saw it in more women these days.

Ginny also has personality. She can show what she's feeling without a guy having to really guess. I like a woman to speak her mind, especially because I can't take hints. She isn't a downer either. You know, those people that suck the life out of the room? It's like she can use her own energy to liven up the room.

Ginny also has gorgeous red hair.

Okay, I have have a boyish crush over a literary character. I can't help it. She has all of the traits that I look for in a woman, but can't seem to find in real life. I admit, I lie a little. I have found them in some women, but they're either with someone, or not interested in me.

That leaves me with my final question. Surely, I can't be the only person this has happened to? I want to know. Have you ever fallen in love with a character that has never existed?

Failure must sometimes be an option

I know it's a strange thing to say. How could failure ever be a good thing? I will explain. Last weekend I was in Terrell, TX to go scuba diving.

I love scuba diving. I once swam with stingrays in The Living Seas at Walt Disney World. I was actually part of the attraction! I dove into the aquarium and slowly went to the bottom to prepare for our tour dive. After the tour we were allowed to do whatever we wanted, and being the showman that I am, I went straight for the glass to see my family and show them what I can do. I waved of course, but then I started to do some moves I learned during my buoyancy training. I did the superman, I hovered like a Buddhist during Nirvana, and then I flipped upside down and just stayed there. Looking at the world upside down gives you a new perspective on the world. Something almost seems so right with the world when everything has been turned upside down. After looking at the oohs and ahhs of the tourists, I decided to get close to the local wildlife. I found sharks, a huge sea turtle, a grouper the size of a Volvo rabbit, and then I met the stingrays. They are the most graceful animal of the ocean. They don't merely swim through the ocean, they cut through it. It moves out of their way. It ripples across the bottom of their body as if the ocean was created to hold them up. If you could have only seen it the way I had, you would have fallen in love too. If I did believe in reincarnation, that is the animal I would choose to come back as.

I digress back to Terrell, TX. When I went last week, I was to learn how to dive with a dry suit, deep dive, do some underwater navigation, and improve my buoyancy. As I began the dive, I was fine until I came back up. I went to dive again and I could not breathe. It was like my mouth became too small to hold the regulator properly, and my lungs could not get enough air. I was beginning to freak out, and that is the worst thing possible. I came back to the surface and decided to end my dive for the moment. I was pissed because it had never happened to me before. As I laid waiting on the surface for my mates to finish their dive, I began to cough violently and phlegm began to emerge. I realized the problem. The phlegm was blocking my airways. Before I dove I was fine, but as the water pressure squeezed me, my passages became blocked. If I continued to dive that way I might have died, so I decided that it was time to end my dive for good until I was healthier. I hated to drive away that day, but I cant dive anymore if I'm dead. It was truly a hard decision to make, but it's not one that I regret. Sometimes, failure is the best option.

Praise God!

Okay I know the title sounds a little preachy but I was looking for it to be uplifting. In case you were wondering why the Bear with the cap was so dressed up today, it's because I got a second job that will help to pay bills. Right now I'm told, I will have at least one day per week which will bring me to only 3 days a week, but it'll help pay the bills. So I praise Him for that. It's amazing how sometimes life makes you feel like it's turned a blind eye to you, but when you finally find that door of opportunity; Its' so much brighter.

So as for the first day of work, I was able to reach my goals, help some customers find gifts for their loved ones, and even got rewarded. My reward wasn't only the pay, but a pizza a customer gave to me for helping them. I may be reading to much into it, but it meant a lot to me when that nice woman gave me that slice. Lord knows I was starving by that time, and I thank her greatly for that token of appreciation.

I saw in a movie once that Acts of Random Kindness are truly what make this world go round. I know it doesn't make the world turn, but I know it makes it truly enjoyable to live in. It's always the humble things that make the biggest difference. An alcoholic was told by God to build a giant boat that floated for 40 days and 40 nights, and professionals built the Titanic. A Jewish carpenter told the world that he was the Son of God, come to save the world. Powerful men came up with the Spanish Inquisition and witch hunts.

I know that was a tangent, but I guess my point is to be humble. Your greatest moments can come when you break down and say "I can't take anymore, so let me try to give." I was given a humble pizza. I want to humbly give this blog and a prayer to all of you who read this, whoever you are, I pray God is watching over you. I hate to sound cliche', but even if you don't believe in Him, He believes in you.

I love you,
Ironbear.

Why are people scared of guns?

I was speaking to several of my friends the other day, because I had recently purchased a Glock .40. While texting this to my friends, almost everyone of them said I was scary. I don't believe that handguns are scary. The way people use handguns are, but the guns themselves are quite alluring. After I purchased it, of course I had to fire off a few rounds. I didn't realize how quickly you can go through a box of 50. I mean yes it was exhilirating to have the 13 round clip fired of in a matter of moments, but it wasn't scary. I have been firing guns since I was 6 years old with my grandfather and he made sure that I was taught properly.

I still remember the first gun I fired. It was a sawed off 20 gauge that grandpa had just "lying around." I remember how heavy it felt, and there was no way I was going to fire this thing. Sure enough grandpa taught me how to hold it, load it, and then he put me up against a tree to shoot a pie plate. I was 6, so you must realize I knew nothing of recoil. Sure enough I stood there, put the barrel to my waist, and BLAM! No more pie plate!

It was a rush to see that plate shred into 100 different directions after I pulled the trigger. When my heart began to beat normally again, I asked grandpa if I could shoot another one. We had plenty of plates so why not. I sat against the tree, loaded both barrels, took aim at the hip, and BLAM! I fired both barrels at the same time causing the recoil to lift the barrels and it struck me in the forehead. I never hurt so bad before, but after the initial shock; I loved every moment. I learned to hold onto a gun after that. I may have been hurt but all I wanted to do after that was feel that recoil and watch pie plates explode.

My recent purchase has gotten my friends to ask if I was going on a rampage anytime soon. Believe me, that is the last thing on my mind. I will say one thing. I understand why the police relieve stress by dismantling, cleaning, reassembling, and firing their weapons. It's a great stress reliever to feel a little "controlled" destruction.

Economical Woes

The very thing I never thought was going to happen, has. Why is it that as soon as you tell yourself that it could never happen to me, the very thing that was never suppose to happen, has happened.

I just found out today that my hours are being cut back to only 2 days a week due to cutbacks and budgeting. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still have a job, but I wonder where the logic is that I can pay bills on only 2 days per week. Has anyone sat down and said, "With this failing economy, I know that no one can find work right now, but lets fire some people so we can fix our budget. Then, in order to save more cash, just so we're not totally evil, lets cut back the hours of our current workers, while we get others to work twice as hard."

I love the company I work for, but I don't understand the cutback. Why can't companies just stop hiring, instead of throwing people out on the street? The only people that honestly need to be cut from a job are those who aren't contributing to the company. If you don't report to work because today's just not the day, and days like that happen more than once every 3 months, I could see letting that person go. Why can't you just call in sick and then head to do whatever you want to do that day? I'm not condoning that idea by the way. I'm just saying life can get extremely stressful, and you need a break in the routine sometimes.

The problem with that idea is, how do you know that's the case, and there's not a real problem. I believe that companies should begin working with their staff, and seeing the individuals that work for them instead of being worried about the bottom line. Understand that they are a person, just trying to make it in this world, and not a number in a book.

I know that only one blog is needed so far but....

I actually enjoyed writing and just letting me spill onto the page.

There is one trait of mine I would give anything to change. If I am at home it does not matter when a deadline is due, I will wait to do it until I can feel the pressure of it nearly killing me. I have learned two things about me from my procrastination, I can work really well under pressure and it does not always work out for me. Honestly, I am just like everyone else, I would rather play video games or watch TV than do homework, but why kill my self from stress because I do not want to do the work until its almost too late? It is a resolution of mine to actually stop the procrastination but like every battle, it is uphill.

Have you ever felt intense passion?

This is the first real post on this site and I want to let it out while I am feeling it. I believe in everything love can offer, passion, a heightened sense of awareness about yourself and another, even the security it offers to go home and have someone that is waiting for you and wants to hear about your day. I had that once but it feels like a lifetime ago.

I love how unconditional young love can be. I am only 26 but sometimes I feel older. There is not a greater gift or burden than love. Responsibility to care for someone even with you do not feel it back. The burning desire to just smell her hair or hold her hand. Kiss her lips, or touch her breast. The sound she makes when you touch her is intoxicating, like your own personal brand of heroin. I love how you can smell her perfume from across the room, only to find out she is not wearing any. I want to feel her teeth across my neck. I want her to kiss me gently and hold me close. I want her to tell me that I am important to her and I want to believe this moment will last forever. I will lay down for her but protect her with every bit of strength that I have. I want to love this woman forever.

There is only one problem. I'm not sure if my dream girl exists.

First post

This is the first post and I feel like a lot of people are looking over my shoulder.